Look, here’s the
truth. Sometimes it is hard being here. I wish that I could tell you that
everyday is amazing and inspirational, but frankly a lot of the days are
extremely draining.
There are so many challenges here and life can
often be uncomfortable. The problems can get overwhelming. I am, by nature, a
sensitive person. I also like
doing. I like answers, communication, solutions, clear understandings and I
like fixing things…it is so hard to find the answers here. Especially when you
barely speak the language. It is also a challenge to know how or what to do to
make any sort of difference. Where are my tools?! It seems at times as if there
is no way out. I feel ineffectual and useless and it is driving me mad!
At the
beginning, I was in awe of the
landscape and the people and all the different ways of interacting with and
experiencing my environment. Now I have moved more into the day-to-day reality
of life, the day-to-day reality of life in Africa. Coming from the lens of my
experience growing up in a first world country, it can be downright shocking at
times…and I consider myself a laid back person!
I have been
immersed in learning about the bad: the gender inequalities, the dismal health
care system, the corruption, and the lack of infrastructure—just to name a few.
I know that somewhere amidst all of the struggle and injustice is resilience
and love and progress. So many times I have read about these things in books,
but here…after learning about it…I go step out into the world and am surrounded
by the reality of what I have been reading about for so long. I am in that book
about poverty. I am in that book about gender inequality. I am in that book
about maternal mortality. I am in that book, but what character am I? What can
I do? I can often sense the acceptance of defeat around me and I don’t blame
them. Don’t get me wrong; people are not blind to the problems here. There are
many intelligent and educated people, especially at MS-TCDC, who love their
country and their people and are actively working on finding solutions towards
sustainable development and a higher quality of life for everyone.
I have been
thinking a lot about Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs in relation to the day-to-day
lives of people here in Tanzania. One of the things that has been eating at me
is that so many people here are still struggling for the basics: shelter, food,
water. Being stuck at that level of existence is keeping them from self-actualization
and other intellectual and emotional aspects of life that come after you have
secured the basics. However, we are still emotional beings, so how does that
emotion manifest itself? What form does it take? I can’t imagine that they are
on the emotional repeat of just simply being happy or sad whether or not they
have had enough to eat for the day. They still are living in a world made up of
human relationships. They still have eyes that can observe their world and a
nose that can smell the sewage, car exhaust and burning trash and ears that can
hear the feral dogs and incessant honking of the traffic. How does this
resonate on an emotional level? Or is it perhaps just so normal that it fails
to activate the senses? I do believe that a person can find peace and acceptance no matter what
their living condition is, no matter what their lot in life may be. At times I
think that acceptance of the situation is the problem standing in the way of
growth and progress. Complacency and disenchantment are at the root of
stagnation. However, in some situations, it seems that acceptance may be a
justifiable means to finding peace with the situation that you are in.
Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
It is so hard
not to look at the way of life here and make comparisons through the lens of
life back home. I am trying so hard not to be too ethnocentric in my observations
and opinions of what I am taking in. I feel like I need to observe and learn
before I can make any relevant criticisms. I have been trying to avoid writing
about how frustrating life here can be. I feel as if it is somehow a critique
of the people that have welcomed me into their homes and their lives. It is
not, or perhaps it is, but that is not my intention. I just feel like I am
receiving so much stimulation in so many forms and it has to go somewhere. So,
the page is a fairly benign place to put it.
I am not here by
accident. I made this happen. I wanted to be uncomfortable. Really. I did. And
I still do. I am still glad that I am here. It is an amazing opportunity to
experience a country and a culture in the way that I am. I wouldn’t have it any
other way. I wanted to know more. Sometimes you don’t like what you learn. The
unfamiliar is only unfamiliar until it becomes familiar. I think part of the
pain and confusion is born from my perspectives being challenged. I am learning
and experiencing things about the world that I wish didn’t exist. Thanks for
putting up with me. I will continue doing what I do. Also, I am not
uncomfortable all the time! Far from it. This is just one side of the coin…or
one side of a 14 sided die!
Personal
messages are also appreciated. I realize that you all have your lives going on
back home and you have your own struggles, stresses and obligations, but
hearing from loved ones never gets old. Believe it or not, I still wonder about
you all.
Now I am going
to go join my family for dinner. I can hear my brothers laughing. I’m gonna go
see what’s so funny.
We love you! I can't begin to know what you're dealing with, but I have been in similar situations and I can empathize with the emotional rollercoaster. It's hard to want to fix everything, and then to chide yourself for thinking your way is better just because it's different. But surely many things are better, we don't get that feeling for no reason. Particularly in terms of human rights issues. But sadly we can't fix it all ourselves, and sometimes we can't do anything. But by knowing, by experiencing, and by sharing your experience, you do something. You share the knowledge. You inspire others. You start a chain effect that may end in an answer someday. There are just as many broken hearts walking around in your own first-world country, sadly.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you're doing an amazing thing just by being there, and knowing you you're bringing your wonderful kindness and compassion along for the ride. Keep on keeping on, and remember the world isn't such a bad place after all.
Oh Mel,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your response. Every word is true. I appreciate your insight and thoughtfulness and taking the time to actually comment! I'm glad that you can relate.
Keep being who you are too, because you add so much to this world!